I have some really great posts planned that include all the pictures that are locked in my laptop for safekeeping. Why you may ask are they locked there? Well, hmmm... sad story is that the mouse button is totally busted. I'm guessing too many little fingers gushing a little love on it when they help out with mom and dad's 'puter!?! I tried to solve the problem, I really did: I googled it, binged it and banged on it. Sadly, I think it is a lost cause. It has an appointment with the Apple store, as soon as Steve can take it there! Ha! The posting issue really is a tragic one, these posts in my head have the potential to really crack you up. One may or may not have involved Manning's hair! ;)
In the meantime here is a little something I was thinking about while I put my children to bed. (Bedtime Tangent Alert!) Have I ever mentioned that I really love putting my children to bed? Please do not confuse putting them to bed with getting them ready for bed. The whole pajamas, diaper changes, teeth brushing, oiling thing can really get dragged out at my house by being interrupted by the refereeing, tear drying, soothing, helping, cooling down meltdown things. Maybe it's just me, but the getting ready can be a tough job. Once that is done, family prayers are said and all the children scamper off to their beds, things quiet down; then I love to go around to each child's bed and tuck them in. I sing them each a song or two while tickling their backs. Ok, I admit Josie suckers me into a minimum of four every night, but two are really short; and she is in her own room so the other kids don't know! ;) Then I hug them and kiss them and tickle them and tell them at least 10 times how much I love them. Josie is particularly funny right now. She loves to make these silly faces while she decides what songs she wants me to sing. She puckers her lips and roll her eyes to each side, as if she is thinking this monumental decision over very well. They are too funny. I just love getting the chance at the end of the day to look each of them in the eye and see them. Who they really are. To remember. Them. Why I love them so much. What an awesome job I have! How much I love it!
Tonight Josie fell asleep while I was rubbing her head during song #4. Manning needed round 2. Taryn was asleep before I even got to her bed; I enjoyed hugging and kissing on her in her sleep anyway! And Byron got his usual: 2 verses of Army of Helaman while being tickled on his back and legs with both hands at the same time; same thing he's wanted every night for the past 3 years. They are all so different and amazing and funny.
While I was singing to Manning I saw the baby monitor and wondered if was turned off in my bedroom. Chicken! I hope so, what if we wake up Steve? He'll probably turn it off and go right back to sleep. Not so bad... I remember a couple of weeks ago when Josie paged the portable phones from the base. Unbeknownst to me Steve, who was napping after work, picked up the phone that had been inadvertently left in our bedroom. He could hear everything we were saying and doing. He came down about 45 minutes later and told me that he had been listening for that long. I asked him why he didn't come down earlier. He said, "I was just waking up, so I laid there and just listened to you guys. It was so cute. You guys are funny."
I don't remember what we were doing. The children were singing, or dancing or something and I know that I was making dinner. I do remember thinking that I was so glad that there were happy and joyful sounds for Steve to listen to. That isn't always the case for me. Sometimes I get a little stressed making dinner and getting it on the table. Sometimes the children bicker and I get a little heated too. That led me to think about the fact that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are listening always. I promised myself in that moment, in my children's quiet, dark room looking at their beautiful, sweet faces that I'll remember (at least for tomorrow) that heavenly beings are listening. This isn't to make me feel paranoid or watch everything I'm saying. It will help to remind me that I want to parent the way Heavenly Father does.
Right now that means this, to me:
~ He loves unconditionally! This really does mean whether or not the dishwasher has been emptied, or I've asked for the 18th time, or I'm being ignored, etc., etc. He loves me no matter what. My children deserve the same.
~ Worth and deserving are not based on a rewards system. I need to remember this one for myself, as well as my children. We are worthy and deserving just because we are his children. Our worth is divine, nothing is going to change that. No amount of work, or lack of work will change that. I am worth the same on days I produce nothing as I am on days that I conquer the longest 'to do' list. This is true of my children too!
~ We are only asked to do what we are capable of, with His help. This has been a bit of an interesting discovery for me. I realized that there were many times as a small child that I felt as thought it was impossible for me to complete a task. Sometimes I was able to get going and do it alone, other times I needed help and occasionally I failed (at least if felt that way). I see this in Byron a lot, and Taryn sometimes too. I just realized that success with my help was still success for my children. Recently when a very dear friend of mine showed up to help me mop my floor and vacuum before my in-laws came for a visit, I realized this is also true for me. I succeeded in accomplishing what I needed to do that day. It didn't matter how it got done, I tasted sweet success. This one applies to so many areas of life!
Ultimately I've realized that I just want to love my children the way Heavenly Father loves me. I want them to know that they are loved all the time, no matter what they do (or don't do). I know that I am loved by Him that way. I want them to know that I will help them to make up the difference when there are just too many blocks to pick up alone. The Savior does this for me on a daily basis, perfectly.
These realizations aren't always my reality. But they are my desire. And knowing what I want and how to get it means I'll keep getting a little more of it every day. And until my love is charity, I'll rely on Faith, Hope, my Heavenly Father and brother, Jesus Christ!
