I am writing this post because I just finished reading Megan Farnsworth's most recent posts. Her posts were about not being pregnant when you want to be, again! And they have also been taking foster/adoption classes at Child Haven. Her first post was the one that really struck a chord with me.
Byron flew into our lives right on cue! We had been married for three years when I finally convinced Steve that we would survive parenthood if we just jumped in with two feet, and now was the time. One or two weeks after our last pre-child hurrah, a trip to Australia, I discovered I was pregnant. On April Fool's Day, Steve thought I was making it up! The pregnancy, birth and life with a newborn were pretty smooth sailing. On November 30, 2003 Byron was born.
The following April Fool's Day I took another pregnancy test to Steve with the telling "pink" line. He didn't respond, so I thought he didn't buy it. Turns out he was in shock! My pink permanent marker did it's job! I should have kept the charade up, if only I'd known he was buying it. It is rare that I get a joke in on Steve. Instead I brought out the marker and confessed. It took him 3-5 minutes just to laugh. Well that is the comic relief for this post!
We moved to Las Vegas that June and I found out in July that I was pregnant again. I had that moment of sheer panic, because my baby wasn't even a year old! I couldn't have another one yet! It didn't take but a moment to calm down, and then become very excited! This was what I wanted, to be a mom and have a big family! Because I was a little farther along and I was in a new city I went to my first midwife appointment when I was 14 weeks along. I heard the little heartbeat that day! I love that sound. Two weeks later I spotted, just a little. I called my midwife and she said it can be very normal. I made an appointment to see her after the weekend. That weekend we made a trip to Southern California with my family to see my sister and her family before they moved to Texas. This was late November. We returned home on Sunday, and that night I lost the baby. It was traumatic and difficult for me. I was 17 weeks along, 3 weeks shy of the half way mark. I was pretty sure I had felt the baby move already. We know it was a little boy.
It took a little while, but with much love and care from many I came around and we started trying to get pregnant again. The summer of 2005 I found out I was expecting again just after Girl's Camp. I was elated, but cautious. I made an appointment with my midwife and went in for an ultrasound. I thought I was 5-6 weeks along, but we could tell that something was wrong. The ultrasound was not normal. I was already spotting again. I miscarried within two weeks. My angel midwife, Kaye Bullock, had me come in both those weeks and was an immense support. This miscarriage was hard, but I had more mental preparation this time and recovered more quickly. We started trying again soon after for another baby. But now the pressure was on, because I was informed that once you have 3 miscarriages you get to undergo a series of tests. Who wants to deal with that? The third time had to be the charm.
Month in and month out there just wasn't a third time. Frustration set in. I went and saw the doctor, an internist because I discovered I had a mild goiter (thyroid swelling). I knew from close family and friends that thyroid problems can mean hormone problems, not good news for having a baby. Well all my blood work came back perfect. Sometimes it takes blood work up to a year to register thyroid changes, I was told to come back in 6 months to a year. I panicked a little. "I don't have a year. My cute little Byron needs a sibling before he is 10. Let's get this show on the road." All the wonderful thoughts that flowed through my little brain and emotions that flowed through my little heart!
This is where sincere prayer, pleading prayer and priesthood blessings came in to play. I distinctly remember in one blessing that I was told that there was another child who would come to my home, but that child had a specific time and wouldn't come until then. Oh the relief, there is another child! And then the impatience. Is it this month Heavenly Father? No. This month? No. This played out for a bit. I asked all the questions. Why? When? What am I supposed to learn from all of this?
I got my answers little by little in many different forms. I knew that there were things that needed to be right with my physical body. My answer to that prayer = Dr. Kevin Jenkins. He was my chiropractor (and in my ward), and I decided to try the more holistic route after I got the "wait 6 months to a year and then maybe we can help you" answer from my MD. I asked Dr. J if he knew of a D.O. or more holistic doctor who could help after explaining my dilemma. His answer to me was that he did homeopathy (which thanks to my aunts I was familiar with), and he had helped a couple of women with thyroid issues recently. I saw him regularly and things started to return to normal with me! I was elated! I was doing my part, so maybe Heavenly Father could make my child's time NOW!
Another answer to prayer was attending the Laurel's class one Sunday. I was the camp director, so I would attend Young Women's for a couple of months before camp to bond with the girls. None of the girl's on a ward level that year were laurels, but somehow I ended up attending anyway. Pam Pickett was teaching that Sunday. I don't even remember what her lesson was really on, Faith? Hope? Who knows. I just remember that she shared her struggles with having a second child. I don't know if she would want her story shared publicly, so I will just say that she got four more children. Her daughter was 7 when the second child was born. I remember crying and walking up to her after the class and saying, "I can't wait till Byron is 7". (That would have been a 4 1/2 year wait at the time!) Pam simply said that she hoped it wasn't that long for me and that you have to remember to turn to the Lord and have faith in Him. His plan for us is better than our own. I so appreciated that Sunday.
It was then that I realized that the that more I pressed the more frustrated and down I got. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was trying to control the situation. Month after month I wanted to decide when my baby came and my decision was NEXT MONTH. Then it was just a pleading request, if it could be next month that would be really great. I remember saying in a prayer that Heavenly Father's will should be done, but I would really like that to mean that I got pregnant the next month. The light bulb went off when I realized what I had just said. I realized that I didn't even know how to really, honestly, deeply submit my will to Heavenly Father's. So that is what I prayed for instead. To learn to submit. Sweet and joyous were the prayers and experiences that followed, and I learned what that meant for me in my life and situation. My feelings changed. My prayers changed. I changed. In those sweet moments I realized I had a heart a little more like His! And it was because of Jesus Christ that it was possible. I had a heart more like his through him! It was liberating emotionally. The stress lifted. 4 to 6 months later I found that I was pregnant with Taryn. Through some continued help from Dr. J and Kaye things went smoothly and she arrived on July 17, 2007! She is my little miracle! I love her!
Taryn, the day of her birth!
I'm not sure why I'm posting this. In part to tell Megan of my heartache and journey. I do not suppose to assume that her journey or answer will be the same. All of our lessons are just that, ours. I remember having someone tell me a long time ago that if we all put our problems and blessings into paper lunch sacks and set them in the middle of the room, at the end of the day no matter how tempting someone else's blessing were we would pick our own bag. That is because we are the accumulative product of our experiences. And our experiences have brought us to this point in our lives. We are prepared for our problems, blessings, lessons, joys, trials and triumphs. I had some dark moments on this journey of mine, but there was also much joy and sunshine too during those years! Here I sit a year removed from the close of that particular lesson and journey. Taryn is 13 months and as cute as two bugs ears! I can look back and see so much more clearly. Walking that road was far more cloudy.
I write this post, because if it makes even one person feel more "normal" it is worth it. I know that I feel more normal when I know that I am not alone in my journey. I have come to realize that my TMI nature can be a blessing. I write this post because I have learned Charity through my journey for all others who will walk this path after me. I unconditionally love and understand those who have had a miscarriage or had infertility problems. That is just one of the gifts and lesson's that I received from Heaven on my journey. To Megan and others I simply say, "I love you. I'm sorry. I know. Have faith, no matter how slow, the answers always come."
As I finish up and in a way walked my road again through writing, I realize that unfortunately the lesson to submit didn't stick completely. Or maybe it just didn't cross over to all the areas in my life. I don't know exactly, but it is my blessings today to REMEMBER. Heavenly Father's path and plan for me is better than my own.